Sadie Lady

What do you do when you're so upset, but there's nothing to make you stop hurting because you can't help a loved one that's hurting?  It's been a very long time since I've been sad like this.  I normally keep things upbeat, but I'm human.  I am a caretaker; I love my home and the beings in this house, and when one is not right, nothing seems right.

So I write. And I will write.  Because all of it has to come out, otherwise it festers inside me and it hurts even more.  I don't write for anyone but me; my own happiness.  We've all experienced pain, but you forget how much it really hurts, until you are going through it, once again.  

I have so much I want to say, and yet my heart and mind have simply not been in the right place.  I want to share our untraditional Thanksgiving and will...but right now I just keep hoping my Sadie girl is okay.  She was diagnosed with epilepsy about 4 years ago, after a random bout of seizures one Sunday in March.  We've had her on phenobarbital, 1 pill, 2x a day.  We were very aware of any environmental factors that may trigger seizures; we switched to an organic dog food and treats; no more house sprays, no plug-ins, no more shampooing carpets, no pesticide/lawn chemicals, etc.  With the medicine, it seemed to have helped us control the seizures somewhat.  In the last two years, she would have a few seizures every 4-6 months or so.  It was routine, to the point, and I'd been through enough of them, that it wasn't a huge deal for me to help her through them. I stayed calm, grabbed towels, sat with her until it was over, and offered a Frosty Paw when as she recovered.

Friday morning [11.29] as I made Brooke a bottle, poured myself some Spark, ironed Joe's work clothes...I realized I didn't hear her whining.  While it isn't what some, nor myself would call music to my ears, it was to me, part of our morning routine.  We keep her crated at night, in case she has a seizure.  She's had accidents on our carpet, or even worse, had a seizure on our stairs--landing--and almost fell down.  So she seems to be okay and almost prefer the crate for sleep, but you bet as soon as she hears ya, or sees the sun, it's time to come out and eat breakfast!  So, as I started breakfast, I ran down to get her, and usually when I unlatch the door, she comes barreling out.  Not this time, she just kind of sat there and I saw that she had saliva crusted on the side of her face...which only meant one thing: she had a seizure.  I brought her upstairs, she was kind of out of it, and Holly gets so excited, she jumps all around and play-growls.  I let her outside, fed her breakfast, gave her her pill and she seemed okay.  I stepped out for a bit while my MIL was here, and when I came home she said Sadie had one seizure around 2.  I felt bad she had to witness it, and deal with the mess, but I am glad she was here to take care of her.

Sadie still seemed okay and not too bad, but just when Joe walked through the door around 6:30, she had another seizure....and it's been all down hill from there.  After this one, she was really out of it.  I brought her outside for fresh air, but didn't want to leave her out long  I brought her down to her crate, hoping it would calm her and let her relax; but that didn't happen. She kept walking around inside of it, and bumping her nose in the corners.  Within minutes of being in there, her jaw got stuck around the crate and she started wailing; I was crying and it was awful.  I got her to calm down, and have a little doggy ice cream and I really thought she'd be okay.  We kept checking on her and she was resting, but around 11:30 I heard her having another one.  She came out of it quickly and seemed alright so I went back up to bed.  I didn't hear any more, and tried to sleep.  I got up Saturday hoping she'd be totally done with them and ready for the day...but again, she didn't want to come out of the crate.  Didn't really want breakfast.  And would't take her pill.  

It was a very, very, very long Saturday.

It was about every 3 hours, then 2, then down to 1 hour between her seizures.  I had her locked in the kitchen with me, so I could keep a good eye on her, but this time was just so different.  She never acted like this before; she'd stand in corners and just lay all lethargic-like and then go into another seizure.  I was emotionally exhausted by the time Joe got home; and once he saw how bad she was getting, he too knew we had to do something more.

Why didn't we call the Dr sooner?  We've dealt with her having cluster seizures before; there were some she'd have 5 bang, bang, bang, within an hour...but they'd stop.  I just kept wishing that they'd stop.  She'd never go longer than a day.  That's what concerned my husband.   So at 8:30, I called the ER vet and they of course said to bring her in.  

We got there around 9:15 [her last seizure had been at 8:30] after talking with the Vets, they suggested monitoring her overnight, and giving her different med to help.  We agreed that'd be best, as they were getting very hard to manage at home, and I really didn't want her to have any more without professionals.  We left around 10:00 and she hadn't had one while we were there.  

We called first thing this morning [12.1] and Joe talked to the Doctor.  He said she did have 4 more seizures and that he strongly suggest we keep her there throughout the day so they could take care of her.  The medicine needs time to work and the best thing to do is wait until tomorrow [Monday] morning.  At that point, if there's no improvement and nothing is working, we will talk about her quality of life...

...

So we picked her up this morning and she's resting in the back, by the washer and dryer.  I am hoping for a miraculous recovery, but you just don't know.  Her poor body has been so though so much, I'm not sure how she'll pull through.  But, she is an amazing doggie who has gone through a lot, so maybe she will bounce back.  I don't like that she hasn't eaten anything since Saturday morning when I fed her.  I also don't love how much medication she is on...so I will be monitoring her closely for the next few hours/day and hoping for some positive changes.

I know it's the beginning of December and I should be super excited and happy with all of the fun and exciting festive things taking place, but my heart is heavy and right now, Sadie is on my mind.

Positive thoughts are always welcome; I just don't want her suffering.