Monday, June 13, 2016

Life Lately...

My heart has been hurting so deeply this past week.  I don't think I can truly put into words the intense emotions I have felt over the last seven days.  To start at the beginning, my youngest sister is an addict.  I know I've mentioned it a few times here or there, but it's something I don't like to talk about.

But I turn here to share a little piece of my heart, because every time you see a 'junkie,' remember it is someone's daughter, sister, or brother or son...that even though they are exactly where they are because of their choices, it doesn't mean for a second that they are unloved.  If I showed you a photograph of my sister 10 years ago, you'd say we looked like twins.  Her gorgeous blonde hair and big dark brown eyes, are so much like mine.  And today if I showed you what she looked like, your stomach would turn and you may even cry.  All I see is the little girl who sang Disney songs and ran around with too many stuffed animals.  Those are the memories I keep close to my heart; but at the moment she lays almost lifeless and sedated.

It's something we've all tried countless times over the past 12 years to get her to stop.  But the truth is, you can't make someone stop or change unless they truly want to.  The lifestyle she chose for herself is a parent's worst nightmare.  I can't remember the last time us three girls all hung out under normal circumstances.  And now we've all been together more than ever.

She went into the ER because she had been feeling sick for awhile, but I'm afraid she waited a little too long.  She has MRSA and her entire body has been attacked.  She currently lays in ICU.

I'm not really ready to go into all of the terrible issues it's causing amongst all of her major organs, but for the last week she has been kept alive by countless meds, antibiotics and an incredible team of doctors and nurses and a ventilator.

Life Support.

She's alive, but it's still a 50/50 chance of survival.

She is sedated and has no idea we are really there; my mom has been up staying with us or at the hospital with her, and all sense of normalcy has gone out the window this past week.

So we wait.  We pray.  We hope for miracle after miracle, that if and when she does come out of this (which from the sounds of how badly her lungs are damaged, it'd take months) that the biggest miracle of all, would be that she can walk away from her old ways of living. That she can clean herself up and get healthy.

Of course turning on the news or opening FB yesterday, we see even more devastation in our world.

My heart aches and I continue to pray for strength, for me, for my family and now for the countless number of families that are dealing with the Orlando tragedy.

I keep trying to reach for a little bit of normal, but it's so damn tough right now.

The every day dishes, the laundry, the spilled drink or missing toy---those are blessings.

Perspective is everything.  I wake up each morning hoping that it was just a bad dream and that it's all not real.  On top of it, it's my husband's crazy tent sale, so he has been so helpful, as everyone at his job has too, but he needs to work 9am til 10-11pm every night, so it's just a lot for all of us right now.

I hope to blog some more and keep myself occupied, as this could go on for weeks or months, but you just never know folks.  I try so hard to be real and share that my life, though in some photos or posts may seem perfect, there are many demons our families that we deal with.  There are more heartaches and true pain caused by those whom we are supposed to love most.

The only thing we can control is right now, this very moment.  Our thoughts, our minds, our hearts.  I want to scream and cry and be so mad and angry...

But my husband, my children, my mother, father, sisters, brother, and friends deserve better.

It's this waiting that kills us most; and so today I am trying to resume to my regular life as best as possible.  I'm paying bills, I'm going to workout damnit! I'm going to play with my kids and continue to pray, because really it's out of my hands; it always has been and I will not let this break my spirit or bring me down more than it already has.

If you have a little extra room in your heart to send positive, healing energy, prayer, or whatever you believe, we welcome it.  God has certainly lifted us up this past week, and I know it's always up to him.

All my love,