Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Brooke's Birth Story: Part Trois {final}

It was One in the morning,
over twelve hours since my water broke.
And I was ready to begin the hardest event of my entire life.
I expected birthing a child to be difficult,
but until you experience it,
there is nothing like it.
At all.
Period.
It was intense, emotional, raw, real, magical, frustrating, and downright painful!
And just like every other mother, 
I sit here with tears in my eyes,
and I'd do it all over again,
just to hold this precious bundle in my arms.
From 1am until 2:34, I pushed, and pushed, and pushed...
I'll try to keep it as real, without being too gross,
let's face it;
somethings, you just need to go through on your own.
Me telling you, still won't prepare you for it.
The doctor that delivered Brooke,
was the same woman I spoke to early that morning who told me to come in.
I guess she was from France {I missed that memo?}
and doesn't work in the office I frequent...
but she was amazing.
She had the most intense eyes,
and really encouraged me, even when I felt like I couldn't push any more.
So to set the scene,
the room I spent all day in, 
was indeed the room I gave birth in and stayed in until we went home.
After the Dr checked me at 10cm,
she sat at the end of the bed,
told Joe to grab my left leg,
the nurse held my right...
and that was it.
For a good hour and fifteen minutes or so,
it was just the four of us...
and I pushed every 2 minutes.
I don't know why,
but in my head,
I had envisioned my husband standing up by my head,
feeding me ice chips,
getting a cool washcloth,
and telling me how great I was doing.
I had never thought he'd be right in on all of the action.
--This was a bit hard to digest, as to be honest, it was not always a 
'beautiful sight' down there...
and the vain side of me, never wanted him to see anything that 
would make me less attractive to him.
Plus a lot of guys at work told him not to 'look down there'
because it will change everything.
However, push came to shove, literally,
and there we were.
An intimate setting
and there was no turning back.
My body has completely amazed me throughout this journey.
Even with the epidural,
I felt the need to "bear down" and push, when it came time.
I would know when the time was coming,
before the monitors would alert the Dr to coach me through each contraction.
I would have some awesome pushes,
and some not so great pushes.
There's a certain way to push,
and you can literally see her head coming out...
you can't tense your legs,
you have to push from your bottom...
and you have to have the endurance.
I was so exhausted,
there were times I literally fell asleep between the 2 minute contractions.
I have never felt so tired in my entire life.
I told Joe that I appreciated him coaching me...
however, when he told me I wasn't pushing hard enough,
I may have accidentally grazed my knuckles on his chin??
I meant positive reinforcement, not Jillian Michaels.
Probably 15 minutes before little one was born,
the Dr put covers over her scrubs, with a hat,
and the room filled with people over by where baby would be checked out.
Joe asked if it was getting close,
and the Dr smiled, she said "I wouldn't be getting dressed if it weren't!"
The last few pushes were intense,
as the Dr let us know Brooke's heart rate was getting too high and she needed to come out.
I cannot tell you the feeling of how hard I pushed to get her out,
thinking that it was solely up to me to get her out, and bring her into this world.
At 2:34,
she finally made her grand entrance.
The ring of fire?
So very true.
The feeling of an entire being sliding out of your own body?
Indescribable. 
The miracle of birth?
It truly is.
As soon as she came out, they rushed her over to the other side of the room.
I had a brief glance at her being whisked away,
and just listened for a cry.
I heard one, but then a lot of commotion.
I guess she swallowed a lot coming out,
so they had to put the tube down her throat 
and I heard her gagging/coughing a lot of it up.
Since there was meconium in my waters,
it was essential they clear her lungs.
They kept her over on the other side for a half an hour.
That was the longest, hardest half hour of my life.
This was probably the only true downside of my birthing experiencing.
As I lay there,
being stitched up
{second degree episiotomy, which the Dr tried to avoid, but I needed}
by the doctor who delivered me and another male doctor,
I began to worry.
No one was telling me anything,
about baby,
about me,
what was going on?
Joe had gone over to be with Brooke,
but I was so confused.
When we had done the hospital tour months ago,
they made such a big deal about "skin to skin" contact
and that as soon as possible, I'd hold her.
A lot of people told me, I wouldn't feel the pain of stitches
or the after-birth,
because I'd be holding my sweet baby in my arms,
and everything else would fade away.
I want to say I made it 15 minutes,
and then I lost it.
I was sobbing uncontrollably and really upset.
I wish someone had just said something to me,
because I thought I was losing my mind.
Joe would come back over and say,
"10 fingers, 10 toes, she's beautiful,"
but I was a wreck.
All the while my family was taking pictures and standing in the doorway 
being able to at least see my daughter;
I'm not going to lie.
It's a mental struggle I'm still dealing with.
I held her in my womb for over 9 months,
and pushed her out.
And I didn't get to see her precious face, fingers, toes, body first.
But I have to focus on the fact that she was needing to be treated,
and that it may not be what I envisioned, but it is what it is.
I do know that I was glad Joe could go be next to her,
and that at one point she reached up and literally grasped his finger
with her little hand.
She weighed 8lbs 6oz
21 inches long
2:34am 1.11.13
***
When they finally brought her to me,
I continued to cry,
my swollen eyes and face...
looking down at her perfectly puffy pink face,
her little eyes looked up into mine and we were locked.
It was so emotional and nothing I've ever felt before.
I'll never forget that first moment holding my baby girl,
and realizing exactly what it means,
to be a mother.
That's what real life, not sleeping in over 4 days and giving birth looks like people.
And this is daddy holding his daughter for the first time:
 And I waited to be taken care of, so I could finally go to sleep...
and these two dozed off for a brief moment before a nurse came back in.
Next up...
leaving the hospital, first week post-partum, and all the joys of being a brand new mommy.

22 comments:

  1. This is such a precious memorialization of an obviously incredibly significant moment! My due date is in less than three months, and this has me so anxious (and, frankly, terrified) for it to be here!! :)

    Miss Brooke is just perfect! Congrats again!

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  2. Thanks for sharing your birth story!! I love how real and honest it is. As someone who will be delivering in the next few months, I know that I appreciate new mommas sharing their birth stories. Your little girl is beautiful! :)

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  3. aw Jenn you have me all teary eyed! beautiful story! :)

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  4. How much did she end up weighing and what day did you end up having her on?

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  5. Ohmygosh, Jenn, I am so proud of you. I have a huge lump in my throat and huge alligator tears are threatening to spill over. What a beautiful recap, and Brooke, she's gorgeous. Just like her momma. You did such a good job and both Joe and Brooke are so lucky to have you!
    Can't wait for the next recap!

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  6. Beautiful story! I was crying my eyes out trying to imagine how you were feeling once she was born! So amazing and she is one gorgeous little girl!!! Congrats honey!

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  7. Awe, she's precious! Congratulations!!

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  8. Okay. I am bawling! But to try to help you feel better. I had my son at 8:38 am and didn't get to hold him until 6 pm. My blood pressure was so high for fear of stroke I could not move. It finally came down and I got to hold him. But at that moment all I could think of was please stay alive just to see his face. Very scary but my son and I have a bond like you wouldn't believe. So skin on skin.. P-shaw. The bond is the love you show from here on after.

    So happy for you! Now I am going to blow my nose.

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  9. I love how real you were in telling your story. With my second birth they wisked her away after she came out too {umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice}. Nobody told me what was happening and her birth experience was so different from my first. Congrats again

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  10. I honestly can't imagine not being able to hold my babies right away! I'm so sorry you went through that girl!!

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  11. I like the "knuckles accidentally grazing his chin" part. LMAO!

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  12. Congrats to you and your hubby. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I am sobbing right now! She is beautiful!

    Artista

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  13. Wow, this is just amazing. Thanks for sharing your story!

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  14. I figured by your sudden silence for a few days that Brooke must've been ready to come into the world! Congratulations to you and Joe! Brooke is beautiful!! I'm so happy for all of you!

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  15. She is so beautiful!! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!

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  16. What a beautiful and honest birth story! Thank you for sharing!!

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  17. Yay she is here!!! I really enjoyed reading your story. I had a rough time with my first baby. It took a long time, I was exhausted, yelling at the dr to just get the baby out. So many thing similar to your story- except I didn't have pain for days like you did- you are amazing! But as encouragement, my second delivery was such a better experience!!! She's so sweet, and I know you are enjoying every minute with her :)

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  18. What a beautiful story! I'm not much of a crier but your post definitely had me tearing up a little *blushes*. I'm so happy for you!

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  19. SUCH a beautiful story Jenn, Brooke is BEAUTIFUL. Honestly. and the story literally brought tears to my eyes. I love that you were so raw, real and emotional with the birth story. It's not always beautiful, but the miracle of life is amazing. I to was worried that my Husband would think different of me after giving birth. I'm sorry you had to be stitched. I'm worried about that part! PS. I have something to send you, I ordered it online forever ago but when we moved it got lost in the mail and I just had it delivered the other day to our new address, I need your address ASAP!

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  20. So proud of you girl!!! She is absolutely beautiful!! :)

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  21. You're amazing, Jenn! Brooke is absolutely gorgeous!!! I am totally crying now following my "TAKE THE MORPHINE" outburst.

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I'd love to hear from you. Each & every comment is so very much appreciated!! :)